HELLO.

"eh Kelvin, you failed your driving test ah?"

Those were the words of my PS, a whole month after I flunked the above mentioned test. -.-

OK lah, I'm not offended by those words. It's just really annoying that I can't take to the roads yet.

I'm peeved that I allowed myself to fail the test. I could have passed! I felt that I was completely prepared. But I just couldn't conquer my nerves.

So now, I've got to wait till August for my next attempt.

sian...

Honestly, I have this irrational fear that I will take like 5 attempts to pass or something. :O

Anyway, platoon cohesion was quite a failure. Half of them disappeared right after lunch.

On a separate note, I realised that I still feel the hurt. I tell myself that I should get over it, but I still haven't.

Am I not giving myself enough time? I don't know. This was the only reason why I would even consider taking on the Ops Spec position, but I decided not to take up OC's offer of an easy escape in the end.

It was as Eric had said, although he probably didn't realise that his comments were somehow relevant to my situation. I hadn't been doing a good job as a Team Commander, so it would have been quite wrong for me to leave without doing the job right. Yeah sure, some people would certainly be overjoyed at my departure, but this shouldn't be about those people. Running away isn't the solution. I needed to fix all the things that people hate about me.

Chris, at the very least, left his platoon very graciously & gloriously. His pioneers will probably miss him a great deal, but at least they will always have a good impression of him in their minds. It would have been vastly different for me.

I think I'm finally doing a semblance of a decent job as a Team Commander now, and I think my emotions are starting to stay under control, though they do lash out at times. I'm still working on it, but at least I now feel like I'm trying my best. :)

When I look back to when all these started, I now understand that it was inevitable. OK I guess me falling out with my pioneer was certainly avoidable, but other matters pertaining to someone else weren't. I was unhappy with how things were, and no I didn't feel like he treated me fine. I was oversenstive, yes, but it was certainly not unfounded. But in the end, I was made to feel like everything was my fault. That particular guilt bug still bites me to this day, and is practically chewing me up at this very moment.

I guess this will always be a reminder of what we once had, and what we will never have again. I suppose you were right after all, that we do belong in different worlds now. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to happen.

If I said that I was over it, I'd be lying. But there is no other choice. I simply have to grit my teeth and trudge on, all the while convincing myself that it wasn't my fault & that I couldn't have done anything about it.

Hopefully, through all the routine and diversion tactics, I will eventually forget and develop a certain numbness to the pain.

Perhaps you, the reader, whether you stumbled upon this post by chance or otherwise, won't really comprehend what all this is about. But that's OK. I don't really understand it myself, and truth be told, it doesn't (or at least, shouldn't) matter anymore.