HELLO.

Lying on the operating bed during my wisdom teeth surgery yesterday made me realise just how frightened I was of Death.

It might be the way the surgeon repeatedly injects your gums with drugs, or even how she slices your teeth into shrapnels, in such a traumatic fashion too.

Whatever it was, my mind started spinning with thoughts of Dying, and how it would feel to be on the brink of non-existence.

I remember how I entertained thoughts of self-inflicting Death, way back at the start of this year. It was a depressing time for me, when 2 people I'd considered relatively close friends treated me terribly.

It affected me so badly. I just wanted to end it all. I sat alone in that hotel room, contemplating suicidal thoughts for hours. I even had the emo eyeliner look on. I wanted very much for them to regret their actions. I wanted them to feel responsible for my Death.

Thankfully (and obviously), I didn't go ahead with those delusions of mine. On hindsight, it was such a foolish reason & way to Die. Besides, truth be told, they did have some pretty good reasons to treat me the way they did.

When I was in Hong Kong over the past weekend, I heard that one of my cousins (once removed) died of drug overdose in July. Her boyfriend had left her, and she had decided to deal with it the easy way.

I haven't actually got any proper photos of her (Hell, I don't even remember her name!), but that's her on the left. That pretty girl in red.

That photo was taken 5 years ago. It's just so scary to think how fragile & transient life really is.

I don't ever want to cut my own life short, I've decided. It's never worth it.

I'm afraid of how I'll just simply disappear upon Death, and that no one would ever remember that I was once here.

I need to make my mark upon the Earth. I need to let everyone know that KELVIN CHEN JIAPING existed, and that he made a real difference.

I simply refuse to disappear, without anyone noticing the difference.